.(foto: el noveno colectivo)
One of India’s most striking first impressions is her dervishes – the original hippy model. Hindu men in the fourth stage of their Earthly development, re-enter the community on the outskirts, as possession-free observers. Those in this stage of material absolution can be found bathing in the holy waters of the Ganges, philosophising in small posses, and spinning in circles.
Many a western punter sets out on their first journey with the heart-warming intention to escape the plethora of social constraints that have controlled their life up to any given point. There are more than a few that harbour the secret desire to join the travelling ‘hippy elite,’ but often find themselves confounded by a range of new, and often confusing, expectations. Amateur queries can be as simple as: why can’t I wear shoes anymore? And, why can’t I laugh when someone cuts the cheese in yoga class?
Sadly, more than a few hopefuls have been disappointed by their failure to rack up enough hippy-cred. To save the children of the world from further heartbreak I have designed a fast-track, 4-step method to emancipation from your prior self, and rebirth as a hardcore hippy.
STAGE 1: Taking the Plunge
Move to India and start eating from the street. Within two weeks you will be suffering from your first bout of dysentery – the first in a line of many. Over time, this will help give you that skinny, emaciated look.
TIP: Aim for frequent bouts of traveller's diarrhoea (pakoras from railway stations are a good option), as this will speed up the process of emaciation.
STAGE 2: The Radical Transformation
Hide your polar-fleece sweater, havaiana thongs, and credit card, and start wearing a sarong with strings of brightly dyed beads around your neck. At this stage it is imperative that you get your hair dreadlocked, and STOP using shampoo. Neat dreads do not guarantee hippy-cred! You need to aim for that matted, ‘I’ve had dreads since I emerged from the womb’ look.
TIP: rinsing your hair in the Ganges is a good way to contract a plethora of tropical diseases that will assist you along the road to emaciation and emancipation.
STAGE 3: Upping the Drug Intake
By this stage you should be smoking ganja at 15 minute intervals throughout the day; and instead of pakoras, nourish your body with a cocktail of hallucinogenics. This is by no means the ‘authentic’ Hindu way, but it will help give you an air of wonder and nonchalance, and break down any resistance you had to meditating in a pile of garbage and cow shit.
TIP: claim regular sightings of god-like apparitions; claim a rainbow is a sighting of Shiva, and the monkey on your balcony, Hanuman.
STAGE 4: Authenticate or Dissipate
By stage 4 you should be experiencing the enlightenment of a frightening combination of dysentrious and drug-induced delusions. Your accessories and hairstyle should be perfect, and the dirt building up under your nails. It is time for you to start chanting and throwing ‘holy water’ on the locals, in between making wild, religious proclamations.
TIP: try to avoid taking yourself too seriously, and believing in your newfound authentic hardcore hippy self. Remember you stole most of your attributes from India’s dervishes: dreadlocks; the minimalist but colourful accessories; the sarong; yoga; bare feet; living with nature; vegetarianism; living on the outskirts; the relinquishment of material possessions; Buddhism (something like Hinduism minus the caste system); and non-violence towards animals.
.(foto: el noveno colectivo)
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