bitter women

When I first arrived to Taipei, an embittered, pessimistic Australian told me (in a disparaging way) not to bother with men here, foreign or Chinese, and to erase the notions of dating and love permanently from my being. I was a bit taken aback by her attitude, and it crossed my mind that she may be a suicidal depressive. After two months here I had become her number one convert. It’s been bad for the soul in this way; and need I even say what I have become after my scathing attacks on Taipei’s community of Dwarfs and Niges. So quickly I fell to the ranks of Taipei’s BITTER WOMEN, and we are an army. The only difference between Taiwanese and foreign women being that we foreigners are also desperate; somewhere deep-down we retain the vague memories of worlds where respect, love and sex were real possibilities. We can only pray these are parts of us that will stay in Taipei after we are long gone, and not scars we will carry forward like Agent Orange … there have been some dark times in this city.
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my mom's not gonna eat with fuckin sticks

White men arriving to Taipei find themselves on the world’s-greatest- ego-tripping-roller-coaster-orgy-of-a-lifetime. Stock-standard, dole- guzzling, Nigel-no-friends, with an IQ of 35, is now being hailed as the last prophet. Women fling themselves at his flabby back in the street, and whilst a good year at home may have gotten him laid five times, he is now getting laid five times a week by different Taiwanese girls. He in turn, affectionately refers to them as the ‘short-cunts’. Nige has never been happier; he’s come down with ‘yellow fever,’ then, by default, entered Muslim heaven where he’s surrounded by virgins dying to have their cherries popped.

Occasionally, he notices something amiss in his feverish world and makes an angst proclamation: “MY MOM’S NOT GONNA EAT WITH FUCKIN’ STICKS!” he cries. But just as quickly he forgets, because too rare is the Asian woman (and I love my Japanese roomie) who screeches: “why is there white trash like you everywhere!?!” The stakes are too high - she knows just how easily she can be replaced, and it is the Chinese way to ‘swallow bitter pills’. Nige and his cronies often stay for years in their make-shift Asian paradise, eventually choosing one hopeful for marriage – at this point they may or may not speak the same language.

I am not one to paint women as victims, but I have to say, too many of the relationships I see around me are an extension of the Asian sex trade – the ‘mail-order bride’ ideal, just with a trial period. This may be a wild claim, but I could spend hours substantiating it with examples of miscommunications, empty promises, emotional and physical violence, rampant infidelities, rapes, druggings, and sexual exploitation. Too many Asian women have burning and gruelling stories about foreign men that wrench at your guts; these women are Asia’s disposable people.

Maybe money isn’t directly passing hands in Taipei, but in most cases she’s hoping for a better life, financial gain, or a higher social status, by offering sex and a type of servitude; which he takes, disposes of, takes, disposes of, takes, and disposes of. Soon after arriving, Nige starts to wholeheartedly believe he is extraordinarily desirable (so why didn’t anyone at home notice?), a beacon of light to the misguided, a sparkling gem in a pile of shit – oh, sweet yellow fever, never stop pulsing your poison through my veins, for I now truly believe in my delusions of white grandeur!
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the dwarf staff

Foreign wages and foreign work ethics are two terms that repeal the very existence of the other. Let me start by saying the average Taiwanese person works a fifty hour week over a six day schedule. They work extremely hard and long hours, and are loyal even when their bosses trample on their few rights. I work a 35 hour week, and am paid double the average engineering professional. I also work barefooted, and dress in gypsy scarves and boat pants. Some of my closest friends earn a third of what I do and work nearly double time.

To obtain the privileged ‘foreigner’ status, all you have to do is: look white, have an overseas passport, and in extreme cases, forge a degree. Incidentally, I am the ‘exemplary’ foreign staff member at my school, and according to some Dwarfs, in a plot to make them look bad. I am exemplary because: I go to work regularly and on time; I stick children’s compositions on my classroom walls; and the school laoban-niang thinks my father is handsome – nothing deserving great accolades. Nevertheless, there are members of THE DWARF STAFF who have claimed (some on temporary suspensions) the boundaries of acceptable workplace practice are not clear. So, it is not their fault if they: come 30 to 45 minutes late everyday; puke up wine in the children’s bathroom; smoke weed on the tea break; read the newspaper, talk on the phone, or play computer games instead of teaching; or hang children out the window.

At first I couldn’t understand why no Chinese member of staff had any time for foreigners. Now it is clearer than I want it to be!
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the seven socially impoverished dwarfs

Like every expat community, Taipei’s expat’s come in every shape and size, but some stereotypes prevail. There are always the students, the adventurers, the escapists, the vagabonds and aging hippies, but Taipei is also rife with alcoholics, dropkicks and social misfits (of which a healthy 94 per cent are male). Every foreign female in her right mind has fled. In my work place alone I am the only foreign woman, with seven foreign men.

It has been the heart-rending tale of EURASIAN SNOW WHITE VERSUS THE SEVEN SOCIALLY IMPOVERISHED DWARFS. There’s Dopey, Sticky, Gloomy, Drippy, Choppy, Dribbly, and Lazy Eye. Dopey is too stoned to know he’s a teacher, Sticky likes to talk about his wet dreams, Gloomy suffers from world domination delusions, Drippy has no availing personality, Choppy is the all-star American kung-fu hero, Dribbly kindly only talks about my breasts when he’s drunk, and Lazy Eye is the manager who sees nothing that goes on, but he’s not the Dwarf leader. The little-man leader is Sticky, who comes complete with a word-of-mouth history of sexual harassment in the workplace, and a best friend who even made it on to national television once for assaulting a girl in a nightclub. Since then Sticky has repaired his ways, and no longer touches female staff members.

We have however had some pretty serious conflicts, which climaxed when he came into my class one day to stare at my chest, and tell me I was the most arrogant person he had ever met. I graciously informed him he was going to regret the way he treated women the day his darling daughters were old enough to be getting fucked by men like him. We now haven’t exchanged a word for over six months, but he has sent some of the dwarf henchmen to chat with me. Silly little Snow White, so little did I know, and how much they have taught me …

I now know: Taiwanese mothers who enter the school building are asking for sexual scrutiny; secretarial staff should feel privileged if married dwarfs ‘choose’ them for infidelity; commenting on the size of a woman’s tits in the workplace is a compliment; sexual harassment is better than physical violence (and apparently I have to choose one); and mentioning your wet dreams in front of a class of ten year olds is A-OK. Their company is thrilling, really!
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